Unsatisfied desire

“What did you just say to me?!”

His question was more a growl than question, like an irritated lion giving the source of its irritation one last chance to escape alive. Her words spewed out a mixture of spit and venom, designed to share some of the pain he so generously gave her. And in that instant it all changed. In that instant when her words slashed at the remaining part of his heart unexposed he knew her life meant little compared to his desire, his need, to shut her up. In that instant he was across the room and standing before her, his bulky frame overshadowing hers, his hands clenching, releasing and re-clenching, an unconscious attempt to salvage what was left. 

In that instant, he saw the future, traveled 365 days of his future… he felt the sweetness of her struggle against his strength as his un-clenched fists wrapped around her neck he felt the cool clamminess of his hands against the warm throbbing of her throat as he insistently squeezed life from it. Her gasps for air, her bulging, terrified eyes, her small insignificant hands trying to vain to release her, all aroused in him a deep satisfaction. He knew she knew now who “the man” really was. And the knowing felt good. In that instant, he wondered whether going all out and snapping her neck, the way one snaps a chicken’s, would increase this knowing and felt  his body awaken at the thought of finding out.

In that instant he saw her death by his hands, well deserved, he thought; the subsequent arrest and trial, his conviction. He saw the tables turning torment of his life caged, a divine reciprocity. He felt bigger hands than his mark their territory on his face; saw himself crouched and cowering as multitude of fist and feet tenderized his tough flesh; he felt the helplessness and mind-altering pain as like-clockwork rapes marked his days. It all came to him, overwhelmingly, in an instant. He was only partially aware of his present; didn’t know his right hand was already at her throat, his left pressing her hard against the wall; he didn’t see the confused, questioning, not-yet-afraid-but-getting-there flare in her eyes. He really only saw that instant. He saw and felt it all and in that 365 flash he saw the wisdom in leaving some desires unsatisfied.



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